The Lives of the Suicidal
by Tammy Sakamoto
Summary: Kyoko was suicidal. Byakuya was suicidal. Both entertained death. Both were afraid. Both were falling by themselves. But their meeting meant that they would be able to save each other and start falling again, but this time for reasons opposite of hate. They had a shot at something that was worthwhile to try to surve to the next day for. Inspired by true events. AU ByakuyaxOC


**Originally I published this as a GrimmjowxOC fanfic. But the next dat after publishing it I felt that I would be able to create a more meaningful story with Byakuya. **

**This is one story that I REFUSE to recieve hate reviews about content. You can criticize my writing style and whatever, but please don't comment about how you hate the characters or anything, because these characters represent REAL people and what they have expereinced. It's not nice to hate them for the pain they've had to carry. **

**I began writing this when I started feeling scared and worried and overall hopeless about my life.**

**Please review!**

**Tammy Sakamoto**

**Discalimer: I do not own Bleach or Bleach characters. I own my OC, Kyoko, and the fanfic. **

I started feeling hopeless around the time I began my final year of high school.

_We go to school to learn, and we learn to get a god job. We got a good job so that we get paid. We get paid so we could have the money to live. _

_To survive. _

_And…_

…and _then_ what?

_We die. _

So it was all just about survival.

I've never really realized how similar we humans were to the animals we fed on and saw at the zoo until that moment.

Sometimes I wondered if jumping onto the train tracks would be as bad as everyone made it out to be.

After all, we've got to die someday. Why would it matter if it was today? Even if I didn't die today, and lived on to see the rise of another morning, it wasn't like I'd escape death forever.

And I just become more depressed. I just become that much more suicidal.

Maybe this didn't just start when senior year began. It probably started when I was a little girl.

I tried hanging myself in my bedroom once, just to see how it would feel. I was probably only seven at that time.

Hm.

Would I be the one who took my own life in the end?

It has been nearly two years since these thoughts began to entertain itself in my mind. Sometimes I would completely forget about them, and sometimes they would be hatching ideas in my brain uncontrollably.

Like now.

Oh, how easy it would be to just walk out of my bedroom and grab that little kitchen knife and slice my throat. Or stab myself. Or take those pills my doctor prescribed to me and just swallow down the whole ninety pills. Or hang myself, like I've tried to before.

Heh.

I've always hated to think. I've always hated to remember.

I remember trying to choke myself on the bed a few times. I remember trying to see how long I could hold my breath. I remember trying to stay underwater.

Most of my memories of my actions have always been something I end up regretting now. I can barely remember one satisfying thing I've ever done in my life.

And when I think about what I'm going to be in the future-a nurse, who will continually see patients coming in to pray for a miracle but only to dye in the end-I feel like my life will always be submerged in death.

How terribly funny.

So why didn't I just kill myself now?

I know the reason why, Hamlet points it out so poetically.

_To be, or not to be, that is the question:__  
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer  
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,  
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles  
And by opposing end them. To die—to sleep,  
No more; and by a sleep to say we end  
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks  
That flesh is heir to: 'tis a consummation  
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;  
__To sleep, perchance to dream—__ay, __there's the rub:__  
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,  
When we have shuffled off __this mortal coil,__  
Must give us pause—there's the respect  
That makes calamity of so long life.  
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,  
Th'oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,  
The pangs of dispriz'd love, the law's delay,  
The insolence of office, and the spurns  
That patient merit of th'unworthy takes,  
When he himself might __his quietus make__  
__With a bare bodkin?__ Who would fardels bear,  
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,  
But that the dread of something after death,  
__The undiscovere'd country, from whose bourn__  
__No traveller returns,__ puzzles the will,  
And makes us rather bear those ills we have  
Than fly to others that we know not of?  
__Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,__  
And thus the native hue of resolution  
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,  
And enterprises of great pitch and moment  
With this regard their currents turn awry  
And lose the name of action._

I'm too afraid to kill myself because I don't know what will await me after death.

Did I mention that Hamlet was my favorite play?

I'm always surrounded in fear. I'm too fearful to talk to the people I've loved for years, and I'm always too afraid to do the things the once innocent girl I was wanted to be.

I'm too afraid of challenges in school. I'm too afraid that I would fail.

I'm too afraid to live. I'm too afraid to die.

All in all, I'm an introverted freak.

But I could be fun, and I know I could be happy. I'm just not happy right now. I don't like what I'm doing and what I WILL do.

Life is so boring. I'm too afraid.

So what do we do when we are afraid? We aim low.

How could this happen, me, Kyoko, who has always been at the top of my class, who has always boasted to the world that I would go onto university, and find someone to love, want to aim low?

Because sometimes, when you aim low, you end up living the wildest life you could ever live.

Screw the snobbish politicians and uptight professionals. Yeah!

But living in such a lifestyle where you struggle to pay the bills is tough. Eventually, you'll just end up getting tired of it all. You end up being a disappointment to your mother and you end up feeling guilty. And then you're back at square one: suicidal thoughts.

Fuck this shit. Fuck life. Fuck MY life.

I'm always thinking about death.

Do you know, that while the world was panicking about the whole December 2012 annihilation of Earth, I actually told myself that I wouldn't mind dying? Nature would have settled it all for me.

Yeah, fuck my life.

Fuck it all.

Fuck…

Why can't I be happy?

I hate society.

I hate not being who I've ever wanted to be.

I hate me.

I cry.

I love to cry.

I enjoy bathing in the pain of people I see in movies and stories and in real life and in songs and I love to cry.

I enjoy crying.

And I wouldn't mind dying. (So long as its not too painful.)

As I said, I was tired and in a dark place that no one knew about.

And in the midst of my silent suffering, I met him.

When I met him, I realized that I wasn't alone. He was suffering by himself too.

He was like me.

Its interesting, how death and death could meet unexpectedly and make life.

Life was love.

_We_ were love, Byakuya and I.

-TBC

**So this was just a prologue. But this has got to be the most emotional thing I've ever written in my entire life. It's not perfect. But the words that my OC, Kyoko wrote, are my own personal feelings. The words she breathes are the words and real life experiences that I have faced. I'm serious. You have now realized just what type of person Tammy Sakamoto really is!**

**My thoughts and Kyoko's thoughts are the same. Although, I'll take this time to say that I am NOT Kyoko! Some of the things she experiences along the way are not things that I've personally experienced, but I'm sure there's a reader somewhere that's gone through it.**

**I hope that in writing this story I will be able to help myself vent out my feelings. And ultimately help both myself and other people. I WILL work on my other stories, and in due time I WILL update them. I've got ideas for them, but I just don't know how to put them down into words. But I am surprisingly really inspired to write for this one!**

**I'll try to keep updating this as frequently as possible.**

**Let me say that this was the first time I've ever written a chapter and CRIED.**

**Please review!**

**Tammy Sakamoto**

**And because this story is so personal to me, I could honestly care less about any crap I get from it. To the haters, kiss my ass!**


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